feghi

I remember writing a post here about what I admire in other people, one of the things was loving fearlessly. That's what I did with you. I let my guard down and allowed myself to fall deeply in love with you. 
In the beginning it was the most beautiful thing. It nurtured me, lifted me up and made me feel untouchable. I had never felt more alive than when I was close to you. Everything we did was beautiful. Even hitchhiking at the back of that dirty old truck with no roof, however uncomfortable and unwelcoming it was it felt beautiful. I couldn't imagine anywhere better to stay than right there with you. It was like eveywhere we went stardust was sprinkled before us.

Then came a switch and slowly the thing that had nurtured me started feeding on my soul. I stayed because somewhere I still loved you, I still hoped for change but the change didn't come. I remember the times when my entire being was aching to be close to you. I will forever treasure those moments and those feelings I had for you. I'm thankful I've written down some blog posts about us because right now, when I think about you and me, all I feel is grief intertwined with numbness. I deserve so much more than what you gave me. 

All those times when I was lying on your chest, listening to your heartbeat, hearing you breathe, I couldn't have imagined it would come to this. Never. It's so clear to me now that what we had is gone and the only thing left worth holding on to are the memories. In the future I might be able to look back at our time and remember your glistening smile, your vivid eyes and your soft touch, but not for now. 

 

 

How good it felt to be with someone other than you. To cuddle up against that varm body and let my fingers linger along his naked tattooed skin. Kiss his forehead, his neck, his soft lips. Feeling his muscular arms wrap around my waist. The best thing: when I glanced into his dark playful eyes, I didn't think of you once. 
I don't expect this to lead somewhere, it was just nice to be with someone that's not you. Two nights of temporary distraction. He's off to France in a few hours. Just kissed me goodbye this morning. And I'm still here. Free and confident.
Just looked at the date and realised that tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary. It's sad because I used to imagine growing old with you. I can't see that now, no matter how much I put my mind to it all I see is a blurred picture. All the bullshit things you did made it so much easier to move on. All those times you tried to bring me down made me stronger. You're the one who's hurting now. And you deserve it. Cry all you want. It's been over for a long time already. 

10th day of singlehood. 

 

 

To Swedeeeeen! To family, friends, spring, outdoor life, cooking, biking, working, summer. 
Every fibre in my body is yearning to come home for a while. I'm feeling tired of Bangkok. Longing for new
adventures. I want to be closer to nature. Further away from superficial norms and behavior. Do something
that matters. 

Takeoff in four days :)

 

 

 

 

I just want to feel something. Anything at all. 

I smile, laugh, cry and scream but I feel nothing.

 

 

 

All I want is a drink in my hand, the loudest music to enfold me and a beautiful boy to rest my eyes on. 

Maybe after I've let my lips touch another, after I've danced my feet sore and my body beyond recognition,
after I've lain entwined with a fine man, maybe then I'll give you another chance. As for now, you mean nothing. 
Hope you cry yourself to sleep evey night for what you did. 

 

 

 

How amazing it would be to just hold you now. Touch your skin. Look into your eyes and tell you that I love you.
To be overwhelmed by the extreme happiness that embraces me each time I see you after we've spent time apart. 
I want to be free with you. I want to explore the world with you. I want to spend every waking breath with you. 

It's comforting knowing that each day that passes brings us closer together. Still every hour we spend apart lasts
longer and longer. It's as if our dimension of time moves in slow motion whenever you are not with me. I can feel
every second because they are seconds spent away from you. Three days was all it took to fall completely for you,
and now it's been you and me for over 15 months. We are so lucky, despite the distance, because we have found
each other. It's frustratingly hard, but at the same time so beautiful, missing someone this much. 

 

To think that 10 minutes, an insignificant amount of time compared to the time we have in a lifetime,
were the most significant minutes of your life. Those 10 minutes could have meant the end of your enitre
existence. I still can't wrap my mind around that. This beautiful seed we have planted together that we
keep nurturing and growing could have been yanked right out and we would never have been able to see it
blossom. Our oasis could have turned into a desert in only a matter of minutes. All the things we haven't yet
seen, the things that haven't yet been. Things I want to share with no one other than you.

We fight, lose our temper, scream and say things that we regret but I still treasure each and every moment I get
to spend with you. Eternally thankful for doctors, medicine and your mothers instinct. 

 

forever

All exams got postponed until january, due to political protests, so I've been on holiday for a week already!
Spent all of it in Cambodia - to nobody's surprise. Now I am currently in Bangkok to run some errands and in
two days I'll be hopping on the bus to cross the border once again. 

 

Koulen Mountain, Cambodia

 

 

Went to Chinatown here in Bangkok last friday with some good friends of mine. We ate the most delicious
seafood from a roadside restarurant on Yaowarat road. Fried squid, crab curry, seaweed soup, chinese broccoli

in garlic sauce, marinated prawns etc. It was exquisite! 

"This morning,
with her,
having coffee"

- Johnny Cash when asked for his descpription of paradise.

Will be walking on Khmer soil tomorrow. Longing to play snooker and pool, sitting on a red plastic chair eating
streetfood, exploring the countryside, relaxing with a drink at some lonesome place along a dirt road.
Also longing for the day I own a kitchen. Imagine the greatness I could create! Oh lord

 

 

I think it's important to remind ourselves about what we value in life. To bear in mind what kind of people we truly

look up to and strive to gain those specific qualities aswell. To trace the things that bring us true unconditioned

joy. I believe alot of people get so caught up in fitting into a certain mold, or fitting in with the "right" kind of

people, that they neglect parts of their true persona. 

 

 

-smile genuinly

-love fearlessly

-care about others

-stand up for injustice

-stand up for themselves

-work hard to fulfill their dreams

-reach beyond what's considered normal

-strive to perfect their inner beauty

-value happiness more than money

-care about the environment

-do things their own way

 

 

Time to bring this blog back to life. I can feel it. 
Starting with some pictures from the past three months of Cambodia and Thai life.
Left hand side Cambodia. Right hand side Thailand.