you were so dear to me

I remember writing a post here about what I admire in other people, one of the things was loving fearlessly. That's what I did with you. I let my guard down and allowed myself to fall deeply in love with you. 
In the beginning it was the most beautiful thing. It nurtured me, lifted me up and made me feel untouchable. I had never felt more alive than when I was close to you. Everything we did was beautiful. Even hitchhiking at the back of that dirty old truck with no roof, however uncomfortable and unwelcoming it was it felt beautiful. I couldn't imagine anywhere better to stay than right there with you. It was like eveywhere we went stardust was sprinkled before us.
Then came a switch and slowly the thing that had nurtured me started feeding on my soul. I stayed because somewhere I still loved you, I still hoped for change but the change didn't come. I remember the times when my entire being was aching to be close to you. I will forever treasure those moments and those feelings I had for you. I'm thankful I've written down some blog posts about us because right now, when I think about you and me, all I feel is grief intertwined with numbness. I deserve so much more than what you gave me. 

All those times when I was lying on your chest, listening to your heartbeat, hearing you breathe, I couldn't have imagined it would come to this. Never. It's so clear to me now that what we had is gone and the only thing left worth holding on to are the memories. In the future I might be able to look back at our time and remember your glistening smile, your vivid eyes and your soft touch, but not for now. 

young reckless love

How good it felt to be with someone other than you. To cuddle up against that varm body and let my fingers linger along his naked tattooed skin. Kiss his forehead, his neck, his soft lips. Feeling his muscular arms wrap around my waist. The best thing: when I glanced into his dark playful eyes, I didn't think of you once. 
I don't expect this to lead somewhere, it was just nice to be with someone that's not you. Two nights of temporary distraction. He's off to France in a few hours. Just kissed me goodbye this morning. And I'm still here. Free and confident.
Just looked at the date and realised that tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary. It's sad because I used to imagine growing old with you. I can't see that now, no matter how much I put my mind to it all I see is a blurred picture. All the bullshit things you did made it so much easier to move on. All those times you tried to bring me down made me stronger. You're the one who's hurting now. And you deserve it. Cry all you want. It's been over for a long time already. 

10th day of singlehood. 


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